I currently have a stain of sin on my soul. Yup, I knowingly sinned…a sin that is (or used to be) referred to as a mortal sin. We have been reading the gospel message recently in Mass (up to last week I think?) Where in St. Matthew’s Gospel Chapter 25 Jesus warns us to remain vigilant and “ready”. He describes the virgins waiting for the bridegroom who had for certain reasons failed to prepare adequately for the arrival of the bridegroom as they didn’t have sufficient oil for their lamps. They cajoled and pleaded with their sisters but their sisters told them to go and get what they needed and quickly return – sad thing is, they got back too late and missed the party and the MC of the event told them at the door to take a hike – he didn’t “know them”. They were not prepared. They missed the boat. The gospel here refers to them as the “foolish” ones. Interesting.
At present, at this very moment… I have no oil in my lamp. I foolishly decided upon and then deliberately executed my sin. It was forethought and follow-through. Just like in archery – or a golf-swing. It’s a strange process that our minds go through as we contemplate a sin. We look at it, admire it’s color, sheen and juiciness and then without trepidation, bite right into the apple. The juice can be so sweet. The flesh of the forbidden fruit can be so delectable! We chew and ingest/indulge all the while aggressively blocking out any thoughts than can offer us an escape-hatch from the death that is promised. The death that we oddly – though most assuredly, are savoring at that precise moment. The wages of sin is death. Period. So then after our sin, our life calls us back to reality and we remember all that we REALLY are and desire to be. All that we REALLY hope and strive for during those hours on our knees in prayer – during those times of self-denial… times of service to God and His Church…His people. We realize the juxtaposition – the contradiction. Things turned upside-down. Our conscience irks us. We sense the Holy Spirit convicting us of our sin… our separation from the safety of being looked upon by God’s Holy face – with which He cannot turn to gaze upon sin. Jesus on the cross knew this horrible feeling well, as he at that moment on Calvary carried all of our sin. He then cried out “my God!, my God!”. We are discomforted. Then, at this time that sweet apple suddenly turns to horseradish on our tongues.
I now personally must live with this pungent taste until I get myself to confession tomorrow. Confession! Sweet Confession! A most necessary sacrament! The sweet absolution of mercy and grace! God grants me the mercies of His infinite lovingkindness! Me! The dirt-bag that I am. Tonight I lay my self to sleep – I pray the Lord my soul to keep! …at least ’til I can get to confession tomorrow!